By Sharie Reyes Albers, Partner, Virginia Family Law Center
Divorce is a challenging transition for everyone involved, and children are often the most deeply affected. As a parent, grappling with your child’s questions can feel overwhelming. At Virginia Family Law Center, P.C., we guide families through these exact conversations every day.
Answering these questions correctly isn’t just about protecting your child’s emotional well-being—under Virginia law, how you communicate with your children during a divorce can directly impact your custody case.
@attorneyalbers #singledad #singlemom #divorce ♬ original sound – Attorney Sharie Reyes Albers
🎥 Watch: How Badmouthing Your Ex Impacts Custody in Virginia
In this brief breakdown, Northern Virginia family law attorney Sharie Albers explains why venting about your spouse can derail a custody case in Fairfax and surrounding courts.
Key Legal Takeaways from the Video:
- The Court is Listening: What you say to your children, or even what you post on social media about your ex, can be brought into evidence during a custody hearing.
- Parental Alienation Risk: Virginia judges heavily penalize behavior that looks like parental alienation—trying to turn a child against the other parent.
- Impact on Factor 6: Negatively framing your ex directly proves to a judge that you lack the propensity to support the child’s bond with their other parent, which can result in a loss of primary physical custody or reduced visitation.
Mapping Your Child’s Questions to the Right Answers
Children process divorce differently depending on their age, but their questions usually stem from a need for security. Here is how to translate what they are asking into what they actually need to hear:
| The Child’s Question | Their Underlying Fear | How You Should Respond |
| “Why are you getting divorced?” | “Did I do something wrong to cause this?” | Explain in simple terms that the adults have decided to live apart because they are having difficulty getting along. Explicitly state it is not their fault. |
| “Where will I live?” | “Am I losing my bedroom, my school, and my routine?” | Give concrete details. If a schedule is set, explain the days they will be at each house. If unknown, promise them both parents are working together on a plan. |
| “Will I still see both of you?” | “Is one of my parents abandoning me?” | Reassure them constantly. Explain that while a divorce ends a marriage between adults, it never changes the love a parent has for their child. |
4 Steps for Initiating the Conversation
When you sit down to have the initial conversation about the separation, the environment and your tone matter just as much as your words.
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Present a united front. If safely possible, both parents should be present for the initial conversation to show that you are still working together as co-parents.
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Choose a neutral, safe time. Have the conversation in a familiar place (like the living room) on a weekend, ensuring they have time to process the news without having to immediately go to school.
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Keep it age-appropriate. Teenagers can handle more logistical reality; toddlers and young children only need basic, reassuring concepts.
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Prepare for any reaction. Your child might cry, get angry, or simply walk away. Validate their feelings and let them know the door is always open to talk later.
Why Your Words Matter in a Virginia Courtroom
As a parent, your primary goal is your child’s emotional health. However, you must also be aware of the legal implications of how you discuss the divorce.
If your case requires a judge to determine custody, the court will rely heavily on the “best interests of the child” standard outlined in Virginia Code § 20-124.3.
How you speak to your children directly impacts Factor 6 of this statute, which requires the judge to evaluate:
“The propensity of each parent to actively support the child’s contact and relationship with the other parent…”
What this means for you:
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Never badmouth the other parent. Blaming your ex-spouse or sharing inappropriate adult details (like affairs or financial disputes) causes severe emotional distress for the child.
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It can hurt your custody case. If a Virginia judge believes you are engaging in “parental alienation” or failing to support the child’s relationship with your co-parent, it will be weighed heavily against you in a custody determination.
Seeking Professional Support
If your child struggles to cope with the divorce, consider seeking professional help from a licensed child psychologist or family therapist. They can provide your child with neutral, effective coping strategies.
Navigating the emotional and legal complexities of a Virginia divorce is daunting, but you do not have to do it alone. If you need case-specific guidance on child custody, visitation schedules, or how to protect your family’s future, the attorneys at Virginia Family Law Center, P.C. are here to help.
About the Author
Sharie Reyes Albers is a Partner and senior family law attorney at Virginia Family Law Center, representing clients throughout Northern Virginia in divorce, child custody, visitation, child support, and equitable distribution matters. A Virginia lawyer since 2012, Ms. Albers practices exclusively in family law and is known for her courtroom skill, strategic case preparation, and steady guidance during high-conflict family disputes.
