10 Signs It’s Time to Get a Divorce  

By Sharie Reyes Albers, Partner, Virginia Family Law Center | Updated October 2026

Deciding whether to end a marriage is rarely the result of one argument, one disappointing week, or one moment when things feel difficult. More often, people begin considering divorce after the same problems continue for months or years and efforts to repair the relationship no longer seem to change anything.

There is no checklist that can tell you whether you should get divorced. That decision is deeply personal. A family law attorney cannot make it for you, and legal advice is not a substitute for counseling or other appropriate professional support.

But there are recurring patterns that can signal that a marriage is in serious trouble. And if you are beginning to seriously consider divorce, understanding the legal consequences before you move out, change finances, make parenting arrangements, or confront your spouse can prevent avoidable mistakes.

Quick Answer: What Are the Signs It May Be Time to Get a Divorce?

Common signs that it may be time to seriously consider divorce include a lasting breakdown in communication, persistent contempt or conflict, emotional detachment, loss of trust, financial secrecy, infidelity, fundamentally different goals, unresolved parenting conflict, failed attempts to repair the marriage, and realizing that you are already planning a separate future.

No single sign automatically means your marriage should end. The more important questions are whether these problems have become persistent, whether both spouses are willing and able to address them, and whether you still believe the marriage can realistically be repaired.

If you are already wondering what divorce would mean for your children, finances, home, or future, our Guide to Divorce in Virginia explains the legal process and the decisions that may lie ahead.

A Marriage in Trouble Is Not Necessarily a Marriage That Is Over

Every marriage goes through difficult periods.

Financial pressure, raising children, illness, career stress, grief, intimacy problems, and major life changes can strain even healthy relationships. An argument, a period of emotional distance, or even a serious marital crisis does not necessarily mean divorce is inevitable.

A more important distinction is pattern versus event.

Is the problem temporary, or has it become the normal state of the marriage? Are both spouses trying to repair it? Has anything changed after repeated conversations, counseling, or other genuine attempts to address the problem?

The following signs are better understood as reasons to take an honest look at the relationship, not as a legal or psychological test for whether you should divorce.

1. You No Longer Solve Problems Together

Disagreement is normal. What becomes more concerning is when every significant disagreement follows the same cycle and nothing ever gets resolved.

You may repeatedly fight about money, parenting, intimacy, household responsibilities, extended family, or how you spend your time. You may stop discussing difficult subjects altogether because neither of you believes the conversation will accomplish anything.

Eventually, the issue becomes larger than the individual arguments. You are no longer functioning as a team.

Why this can matter if divorce is becoming possible

Once marital conflict begins affecting money, children, living arrangements, or major decisions, how each spouse responds can have consequences beyond the relationship itself.

For couples with children, decisions made during separation can influence the parenting status quo that exists when a custody dispute begins. Virginia courts decide custody according to the best interests of the child and consider factors including each parent’s role in the child’s upbringing, ability to cooperate, and willingness to support the child’s relationship with the other parent.

If parenting conflict is becoming part of the breakdown of your marriage, read our Guide to Child Custody in Virginia.

2. Contempt or Disrespect Has Replaced Basic Respect

There is a difference between being angry with your spouse and no longer respecting them.

Constant ridicule, humiliation, hostility, name-calling, dismissiveness, cruelty, or treating your spouse as though their feelings no longer matter can fundamentally change a marriage.

The same is true when one spouse begins to feel afraid to raise ordinary concerns because every disagreement results in belittling, threats, intimidation, or retaliation.

A marriage cannot function well when one or both people consistently feel diminished by the other.

If the behavior is abusive or you feel unsafe

Abuse is not simply another “sign” to weigh against the others.

If you believe you or your children may be in danger, prioritize safety. In an immediate emergency, call 911. The National Domestic Violence Hotline also offers confidential support at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or by texting START to 88788.

Do not put yourself at greater risk simply to announce a separation or follow a generic divorce checklist.

3. You Have Become Emotionally Detached From Each Other

Some struggling marriages are filled with arguments. Others become quiet.

You may stop sharing good news with your spouse. You may no longer ask for their opinion. Conversations become limited to children, schedules, bills, groceries, or other logistics.

Instead of feeling like spouses, you begin feeling like roommates.

That emotional distance does not always mean a marriage cannot be repaired. But when neither spouse is trying to reconnect, the absence of conflict can sometimes reflect something more serious: neither person expects the relationship to change anymore.

If you have already begun living separate lives, it is also important not to confuse emotional separation with legal separation. Virginia does not create a formal court-declared status simply because spouses consider themselves separated. Our Guide to Separation in Virginia explains how separation actually works and why the separation date can matter.

4. Trust Has Broken Down and Is Not Being Rebuilt

Trust can be damaged in many ways.

Infidelity is one. So are repeated lies, hidden spending, secret accounts, substance abuse, undisclosed debt, broken promises, or major decisions made behind a spouse’s back.

Some couples rebuild trust after serious betrayals. Others cannot.

The important question is not simply whether trust was broken. It is whether the person responsible acknowledges what happened, whether behavior actually changes, and whether both spouses are willing to do the work necessary to rebuild the relationship.

If suspicion has become permanent and every interaction is viewed through the lens of another possible betrayal, the marriage may have reached a much more difficult stage.

5. Financial Secrecy or Financial Control Has Entered the Marriage

Money problems deserve their own category because they can be both a relationship warning sign and a major divorce issue.

Warning signs can include unexplained withdrawals or transfers, credit cards or debts you did not know existed, accounts you can no longer access, unusual spending, hidden financial records, assets being moved, sudden password changes, or one spouse exercising extreme control over household money.

Financial secrecy does not automatically mean someone is hiding marital assets. But if divorce appears possible, unexplained financial behavior should not simply be ignored.

Before separating, try to understand the family’s financial picture and preserve copies of financial information that you already have lawful access to. Do not hide assets, drain accounts, destroy records, or take other drastic steps because you are angry or afraid.

6. Infidelity Has Fundamentally Changed the Marriage

Some marriages survive infidelity. Some do not.

An affair may destroy trust immediately, or it may expose problems that had been developing for years. For some spouses, the decisive issue is not the affair itself but repeated deception or an unwillingness to end the conduct.

In Virginia, adultery can also have legal significance.

Virginia law recognizes adultery as a fault ground for divorce, and marital fault can also become relevant to issues such as spousal support depending on the circumstances. That does not mean every person who suspects an affair should immediately begin collecting evidence or confronting a spouse.

If infidelity may become part of a contested divorce, obtaining legal advice before taking action can be particularly important.

7. Conflict About the Children Is Becoming Part of the Marriage Breakdown

Divorce becomes considerably more complicated when parents disagree about the children.

You may have serious disputes about discipline, school, medical care, activities, schedules, where the family should live, or how much responsibility each parent carries.

Or one parent may begin threatening to take the children, restrict access, move away, or demand a particular custody arrangement before separation has even begun.

Do not assume that being a mother or father automatically determines custody. Virginia courts apply the best-interests standard rather than a preference for one parent’s gender.

Our Guide to Child Custody in Virginia explains the factors courts consider. Fathers who are particularly concerned about preserving their relationship with their children can also review our Guide to Fathers’ Rights in Virginia.

Parenting time can also affect child-support issues. Our Virginia Child Support Guide explains how support works and what factors can affect the calculation.

8. Your Futures No Longer Point in the Same Direction

People change during a marriage.

Sometimes couples grow together. Sometimes the lives they want become increasingly incompatible.

One spouse may want children while the other does not. One may want to relocate. They may fundamentally disagree about finances, religion, parenting, retirement, career priorities, or the lifestyle they want to live.

Compromise can resolve many differences. But some decisions do not have a meaningful middle ground.

If staying married requires one spouse to permanently abandon something fundamental to the life they want, resentment can become difficult to avoid.

9. Genuine Attempts to Repair the Marriage Have Not Changed Anything

There is an important difference between saying “we tried” and actually trying.

For some couples, serious efforts may include honest conversations, changing behavior, couples counseling, individual therapy, addressing addiction or mental-health issues, changing financial habits, rebuilding intimacy, or making concrete efforts to resolve recurring conflicts.

Those efforts sometimes work.

But if the same destructive patterns resume despite sustained efforts to change them, it is reasonable to ask whether the relationship is actually improving or merely repeating itself.

You do not need to prove that you “tried everything” before speaking with a divorce attorney. And speaking with an attorney does not obligate you to file anything.

Sometimes understanding the legal options helps remove fear and lets someone evaluate the marriage based on reality rather than assumptions about what divorce would mean.

10. You Have Already Begun Imagining or Preparing for a Separate Life

One of the clearest shifts can occur internally.

Instead of wondering how to repair the marriage, you begin wondering:

• Where would I live?
• What would happen with the children?
• Could I afford my own household?
• What happens to the house?
• Would I pay or receive support?
• How long would a divorce take?

You may find yourself researching divorce, looking at housing, examining finances, asking friends about attorneys, or imagining your future without your spouse.

That does not necessarily mean divorce is the right choice.

But it may mean your question has changed from “How do we fix this?” to “What happens if we end it?”

At that point, getting accurate information can be more useful than continuing to guess.

If You Think Divorce May Be Coming, Do Not Make Major Decisions Blindly

One of the biggest mistakes people make is assuming they need to make every decision before speaking with an attorney.

You do not.

If you are seriously considering divorce in Virginia, start by understanding your legal position.

Learn what counts as separation. Understand the household finances. Think carefully before leaving the marital residence if children or property issues are likely to be disputed. Preserve important financial and parenting records you already have lawful access to. Avoid angry financial moves, damaging social-media posts, threats, or impulsive agreements.

And if children are involved, remember that the period immediately before and after separation can begin establishing routines that may later become important in a custody case.

Our comprehensive Virginia Divorce Guide explains divorce grounds, timelines, contested and uncontested cases, property division, support, custody, and the broader process.

If separation is likely to come first, start with our Guide to Separation in Virginia.

What a Divorce Lawyer Can — and Cannot — Tell You

A divorce attorney should not tell you whether you should stay married.

That decision belongs to you.

What an attorney can do is replace uncertainty about the legal side with actual information.

You can learn what may happen to property, debt, custody, parenting time, child support, spousal support, retirement accounts, and the marital home. You can understand what you should document and which decisions may have consequences later.

And you can do that before deciding to file.

For many people, the first legal conversation is not “I want a divorce.”

It is:

“I think my marriage may be ending. What do I need to know?”

Frequently Asked Questions About Knowing When It Is Time to Divorce

How do you know when it is time to get a divorce?

There is no single test. Common warning signs include persistent conflict or contempt, emotional detachment, irreparable loss of trust, financial secrecy, infidelity, major disagreements about children or the future, and repeated unsuccessful attempts to repair the marriage. The most important distinction is usually whether the problems are temporary or have become persistent patterns that neither spouse is willing or able to change.

What are the strongest signs a marriage may be over?

A combination of emotional detachment, loss of trust, contempt, living largely separate lives, and no meaningful willingness to repair the relationship may indicate that the marriage is in serious trouble. One problem by itself does not necessarily mean divorce is inevitable.

Should I talk to a divorce lawyer before deciding to divorce?

Yes, you can speak with a divorce attorney before making a final decision. A consultation does not require you to file for divorce. It can help you understand what separation, custody, support, property division, and the divorce process would actually look like so that you can make a more informed decision.

Do I need my spouse’s permission to get divorced in Virginia?

No. Virginia law permits one spouse to pursue divorce when the applicable legal requirements are satisfied. For a no-fault divorce, spouses generally must live separate and apart for one year, or for six months when they have no minor children and have entered into a qualifying separation agreement. See Virginia Code § 20-91.

Can we be separated while still living in the same house?

It can be possible for spouses in Virginia to establish separation while remaining under the same roof, but the facts and evidence matter. Couples generally need to stop living as a married couple and demonstrate an intent that the marriage is ending. Read our Virginia Separation Guide before relying on an in-home separation date.

What should I do financially if I think divorce is coming?

Start by understanding the household’s assets, debts, income, expenses, accounts, insurance, retirement assets, and other financial obligations. Preserve copies of records you already have lawful access to. Avoid hiding or dissipating assets or making major financial moves without understanding the possible consequences.

Will getting divorced automatically mean I lose time with my children?

No. Divorce itself does not determine custody. Virginia courts decide custody and visitation according to the best interests of the child. Our Virginia Custody Guide explains the factors courts consider and how custody cases work.

Do fathers have the same custody rights as mothers in Virginia?

Virginia custody law does not give a legal preference to mothers simply because they are mothers or to fathers simply because they are fathers. Courts focus on the child’s best interests and the facts of the individual family. Read our Guide to Fathers’ Rights in Virginia for more information.

How is child support handled after separation or divorce?

Virginia child support is generally determined under statutory guidelines using information such as parental income, parenting arrangements, health-insurance costs, work-related childcare expenses, and other applicable factors. Our Virginia Child Support Guide explains the process in more detail.

About the Author

Sharie Reyes Albers is a Partner and senior family law attorney at Virginia Family Law Center. She practices exclusively in family law and represents clients throughout Northern Virginia in divorce, child custody, visitation, child support, spousal support, and equitable distribution matters. Ms. Albers and Virginia Family Law Center have been recognized for their work in family law. She is known for her courtroom advocacy, strategic case preparation, and experience handling complex and high-conflict family disputes.

This article provides general information about relationships and Virginia family law. It is not mental-health advice or legal advice for any individual situation. Every marriage and every legal case is different.